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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 16, 2020 18:53:43 GMT 1
...or, more accurately, drastically revised a poem I originally wrote last year. Any criticisms, thoughts, comments more than welcome... I may want to revise a few lines, so I’d appreciate it greatly if anyone here wants to give a first read.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2020 5:48:34 GMT 1
I dont like any of this. No ackbars
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2020 5:56:11 GMT 1
...or, more accurately, drastically revised a poem I originally wrote last year. Any criticisms, thoughts, comments more than welcome... I may want to revise a few lines, so I’d appreciate it greatly if anyone here wants to give a first read. Oh, you write poetry too?
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 17, 2020 12:39:05 GMT 1
...or, more accurately, drastically revised a poem I originally wrote last year. Any criticisms, thoughts, comments more than welcome... I may want to revise a few lines, so I’d appreciate it greatly if anyone here wants to give a first read. Oh, you write poetry too? Um...yes.
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 17, 2020 17:19:59 GMT 1
I dont like any of this. No ackbars Fair, fair.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2020 22:53:02 GMT 1
Oh, you write poetry too? Um...yes. Nothing wrong with that.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2020 23:09:09 GMT 1
Best line "biting brine and seagulls scoff"
I love alliteration and assonance (I think that's the right term. It's been a while since I studied poetry).
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Post by AQUA JAR!™ on May 18, 2020 5:21:01 GMT 1
I dont like any of this. No ackbars Fair, fair. GIVE SLACKBAR MOAR ACKBAR !!!!!!!!!1
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 18, 2020 16:36:38 GMT 1
Best line "biting brine and seagulls scoff" I love alliteration and assonance (I think that's the right term. It's been a while since I studied poetry). Thanks, Ack! Right on assonance — the long i sound in biting and brine. That was a fun line to write. (More assonance! ) Any criticisms? I’ll probably be submitting it — just to a local publication, but still…
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 18, 2020 16:38:18 GMT 1
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2020 18:41:13 GMT 1
Best line "biting brine and seagulls scoff" I love alliteration and assonance (I think that's the right term. It's been a while since I studied poetry). Thanks, Ack! Right on assonance — the long i sound in biting and brine. That was a fun line to write. (More assonance! ) Any criticisms? I’ll probably be submitting it — just to a local publication, but still… Well, first of all take my critiques lightly because poetry was never really my area of skill, though I do enjoy reading/writing it. That said, I think I'd replace the word "little" before boat. It's a vague generic adjective, and size is relative. Another word there could really elevate that line, I think. "Sudden outraged weather" is just a little sonically awkward compared to the ending line of the other stanzas, which flow so smoothly, especially compared to the ending line of the first stanza, which has a very nice rhythm because of the alternating stressed syllables. And this would too, but the word "outraged" throws it off a bit. It's a word where both syllables are stressed, and the ed at the end makes it feel like a mouthful. Again, do NOT change anything based solely on my opinions! I was always the LEAST knowledgable student in poetry class! Also, I always hated doing critiques because they sound so negative. I could also offer a lot more praise as well!
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 18, 2020 19:15:37 GMT 1
Thanks, Ack! Right on assonance — the long i sound in biting and brine. That was a fun line to write. (More assonance! ) Any criticisms? I’ll probably be submitting it — just to a local publication, but still… Well, first of all take my critiques lightly because poetry was never really my area of skill, though I do enjoy reading/writing it. That said, I think I'd replace the word "little" before boat. It's a vague generic adjective, and size is relative. Another word there could really elevate that line, I think. "Sudden outraged weather" is just a little sonically awkward compared to the ending line of the other stanzas, which flow so smoothly, especially compared to the ending line of the first stanza, which has a very nice rhythm because of the alternating stressed syllables. And this would too, but the word "outraged" throws it off a bit. It's a word where both syllables are stressed, and the ed at the end makes it feel like a mouthful. Again, do NOT change anything based solely on my opinions! I was always the LEAST knowledgable student in poetry class! Also, I always hated doing critiques because they sound so negative. I could also offer a lot more praise as well! No, no, not negative at all — exactly what I was looking for. Thank you so much! You’re exactly right on little; I knew that line sounded off but wasn’t sure what was causing it. Will fix that. Was going back and forth on outraged there. I originally had stormy for the alliteration but then crossed it out to avoid cliché and create a better image, personifying weather. Was also vaguely thinking juxtaposition might indicate how the weather-change was supposed to be jarring. Anyway, will work on that, I think you’re right. Was genuinely wondering if the last couplet came off as too pretentious. Whence is intentionally archaic, and is a vague reference to a JFK quote I love (“we are tied to the ocean, and when we go back to the sea, whether to sail or to watch, we are going back to whence we came”), but that second to last line was a killer to revise and revise. I didn’t want it too clichéd (originally “workaday world”), but I’m also unsure if “unreal weary’s tether” even makes sense. (My point is that the sea freedom is more real than the humdrum of the everyday, but I don’t know if that comes off.) Again, much, much appreciated, my friend.
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2020 19:38:38 GMT 1
Well, first of all take my critiques lightly because poetry was never really my area of skill, though I do enjoy reading/writing it. That said, I think I'd replace the word "little" before boat. It's a vague generic adjective, and size is relative. Another word there could really elevate that line, I think. "Sudden outraged weather" is just a little sonically awkward compared to the ending line of the other stanzas, which flow so smoothly, especially compared to the ending line of the first stanza, which has a very nice rhythm because of the alternating stressed syllables. And this would too, but the word "outraged" throws it off a bit. It's a word where both syllables are stressed, and the ed at the end makes it feel like a mouthful. Again, do NOT change anything based solely on my opinions! I was always the LEAST knowledgable student in poetry class! Also, I always hated doing critiques because they sound so negative. I could also offer a lot more praise as well! No, no, not negative at all — exactly what I was looking for. Thank you so much! You’re exactly right on little; I knew that line sounded off but wasn’t sure what was causing it. Will fix that. Was going back and forth on outraged there. I originally had stormy for the alliteration but then crossed it out to avoid cliché and create a better image, personifying weather. Was also vaguely thinking juxtaposition might indicate how the weather-change was supposed to be jarring. Anyway, will work on that, I think you’re right. Was genuinely wondering if the last couplet came off as too pretentious. Whence is intentionally archaic, and is a vague reference to a JFK quote I love (“we are tied to the ocean, and when we go back to the sea, whether to sail or to watch, we are going back to whence we came”), but that second to last line was a killer to revise and revise. I didn’t want it too clichéd (originally “workaday world”), but I’m also unsure if “unreal weary’s tether” even makes sense. (My point is that the sea freedom is more real than the humdrum of the everyday, but I don’t know if that comes off.) Again, much, much appreciated, my friend. I didn't find the last couplet to be pretentious at all. And I quite liked the line "unreal weary' tether". It sounds great, and I personally like the abstractness of it. I once told a fellow student in a group feedback session that I liked his poem because it made no sense. It got a laugh, but I meant it. I think every poem benefits from lines like that that evade obvious meaning.
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 18, 2020 19:54:53 GMT 1
I didn't find the last couplet to be pretentious at all. And I quite liked the line "unreal weary' tether". It sounds great, and I personally like the abstractness of it. I once told a fellow student in a group feedback session that I liked his poem because it made no sense. It got a laugh, but I meant it. I think every poem benefits from lines like that that evade obvious meaning. Thanks! One of my problems with writing is I go back and forth on something so often in revisions that often I don’t know what works and what doesn’t. You have a great point about poetry that evades obvious meaning. As Wallace Stevens put it, “The poem must resist the intelligence / Almost successfully.” Will post another draft when I can work on this some more.
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2020 6:03:52 GMT 1
I think I'm getting mixed messages about your opinion of poetry... Not that there's anything wrong with that!
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2020 6:13:33 GMT 1
I didn't find the last couplet to be pretentious at all. And I quite liked the line "unreal weary' tether". It sounds great, and I personally like the abstractness of it. I once told a fellow student in a group feedback session that I liked his poem because it made no sense. It got a laugh, but I meant it. I think every poem benefits from lines like that that evade obvious meaning. Thanks! One of my problems with writing is I go back and forth on something so often in revisions that often I don’t know what works and what doesn’t. You have a great point about poetry that evades obvious meaning. As Wallace Stevens put it, “The poem must resist the intelligence / Almost successfully.” Will post another draft when I can work on this some more. Apart from minor polishing to smooth out a rough spot here or there, I generally left poems alone as much as possible. I think poetry should be seen in its natural form, with all of its imperfections. It may not be quite as perfect, but I think the rawness adds power to the final product. Besides, Humans are imperfect, so why should anything we create be perfect? One night, long ago, I kept dreaming about a player piano that kept repeating the same phrases to me in my sleep. They kept waking me up and I could never quite get back to sleep. Finally, I wrote the phrases down with pen and pad, which I had on my bedside table, then I was able to sleep. The next day I got up and wrote out the entire poem in one go. It only needed very minor alterations.
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 19, 2020 15:12:01 GMT 1
I think I'm getting mixed messages about your opinion of poetry... Not that there's anything wrong with that! I love poetry, and I love writing it. (Whether my stuff is any good is a different matter.) To be frank with you, I couldn’t quite gauge the tone of your original question, which is why I responded the way I did.
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2020 15:17:48 GMT 1
I think I'm getting mixed messages about your opinion of poetry... Not that there's anything wrong with that! I love poetry, and I love writing it. (Whether my stuff is any good is a different matter.) To be frank with you, I couldn’t quite gauge the tone of your original question, which is why I responded the way I did. Oh, it was just meant as a neutral question. Although it can sometimes be difficult to correctly interpret the tone of plain text when there are no emoticons, to give you a hint. I suppose I was mildly surprised to encounter another victim of that particular ailment. However, thankfully, I've been in remission for over a decade.
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 19, 2020 15:32:22 GMT 1
I love poetry, and I love writing it. (Whether my stuff is any good is a different matter.) To be frank with you, I couldn’t quite gauge the tone of your original question, which is why I responded the way I did. Oh, it was just meant as a neutral question. Although it can sometimes be difficult to correctly interpret the tone of plain text when there are no emoticons, to give you a hint. I suppose I was mildly surprised to encounter another victim of that particular ailment. However, thankfully, I've been in remission for over a decade. Hélas! — I’ve a bad case of it.
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2020 16:04:01 GMT 1
Oh, it was just meant as a neutral question. Although it can sometimes be difficult to correctly interpret the tone of plain text when there are no emoticons, to give you a hint. I suppose I was mildly surprised to encounter another victim of that particular ailment. However, thankfully, I've been in remission for over a decade. Hélas! — I’ve a bad case of it. You have my complete sympathy. The compulsion would strike at all hours and drive me nuts on occasion. Personally, I've always preferred prose over poetry.
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2020 1:34:59 GMT 1
This convo reminds me of this. Not a dig, it's just funny lol
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 20, 2020 3:18:00 GMT 1
This convo reminds me of this. Not a dig, it's just funny lol Qu’est-ce que c’est? — or should I not ask?
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2020 3:30:58 GMT 1
This convo reminds me of this. Not a dig, it's just funny lol Qu’est-ce que c’est? — or should I not ask? Oh, it's just a clip from one of my favourite animes, Black Clover. A funny series about magic knights protecting the kingdom, focuses on a particular group called the black bulls that are a bunch of misfits. This character is not one of them, just there for the royal magic knight competition. It's just hilarious how over-the-top he is and the fact that he is obsessed with beauty and himself
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Post by equality72521 on May 24, 2020 12:56:34 GMT 1
...or, more accurately, drastically revised a poem I originally wrote last year. Any criticisms, thoughts, comments more than welcome... I may want to revise a few lines, so I’d appreciate it greatly if anyone here wants to give a first read.
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 26, 2020 3:36:38 GMT 1
Hm, interesting. That surface-ness—superficiality—is the quality I criticized in my comments on Longfellow at Knowhere. (Of course, Longfellow was more “surface-y” even than many other poets at his time.) That said, I’m intrigued that you feel that way. While parts of it provide obvious metaphor—it’s a public poem meant for public reading, not for academic analysis, after all—I hoped the final couplet would take it in a different, less “surface-y” direction. In my penultimate line, for example, my point is that the freedom of the sea breaks “the unreal weary’s tether”: the “likely-Blackbeard’s-treasure” is, in fact, more real—more true—than the quotidian grind. In my last line, the “sea-freedom” changes: it’s not the freedom of sailing off, it’s the freedom of knowledge, the striving at knowing whence and how we all started (thus the allusion to the Kennedy line). As the writer, to be sure, I may be a poor judge of what is and is not “surface-y” in the poem—but I don’t think it’s quite so superficial as it may seem as you seem to imply. At least, I hope it’s not.
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Post by equality72521 on May 26, 2020 3:44:42 GMT 1
Hm, interesting. That surface-ness—superficiality—is the quality I criticized in my comments on Longfellow at Knowhere. (Of course, Longfellow was more “surface-y” even than many other poets at his time.) That said, I’m intrigued that you feel that way. While parts of it provide obvious metaphor—it’s a public poem meant for public reading, not for academic analysis, after all—I hoped the final couplet would take it in a different, less “surface-y” direction. In my penultimate line, for example, my point is that the freedom of the sea breaks “the unreal weary’s tether”: the “likely-Blackbeard’s-treasure” is, in fact, more real—more true—than the quotidian grind. In my last line, the “sea-freedom” changes: it’s not the freedom of sailing off, it’s the freedom of knowledge, the striving at knowing whence and how we all started (thus the allusion to the Kennedy line). As the writer, to be sure, I may be a poor judge of what is and is not “surface-y” in the poem—but I don’t think it’s quite so superficial as it may seem at first glance. At least, I hope it’s not. I suppose that I prefer allegory to be presented more subtly. Take out the many "that"s
Take out the "even"
Remove the poem's title as the first line... in fact, remove the word "sea" entirely from the poem
I think you'll like it better
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 26, 2020 3:57:29 GMT 1
Oh, by the way: It looks like this is getting published, at least online, which is nice. Again, just a local group.
I’ve changed a few things, by the way:
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 26, 2020 4:02:44 GMT 1
Hm, interesting. That surface-ness—superficiality—is the quality I criticized in my comments on Longfellow at Knowhere. (Of course, Longfellow was more “surface-y” even than many other poets at his time.) That said, I’m intrigued that you feel that way. While parts of it provide obvious metaphor—it’s a public poem meant for public reading, not for academic analysis, after all—I hoped the final couplet would take it in a different, less “surface-y” direction. In my penultimate line, for example, my point is that the freedom of the sea breaks “the unreal weary’s tether”: the “likely-Blackbeard’s-treasure” is, in fact, more real—more true—than the quotidian grind. In my last line, the “sea-freedom” changes: it’s not the freedom of sailing off, it’s the freedom of knowledge, the striving at knowing whence and how we all started (thus the allusion to the Kennedy line). As the writer, to be sure, I may be a poor judge of what is and is not “surface-y” in the poem—but I don’t think it’s quite so superficial as it may seem at first glance. At least, I hope it’s not. I suppose that I prefer allegory to be presented more subtly. Take out the many "that"s
Take out the "even"
Remove the poem's title as the first line... in fact, remove the word "sea" entirely from the poem
I think you'll like it better
Well, I appreciate the comments, but respectfully I have to say I think you’re failing to deal with the points I raised. “Remove the word ‘sea’ entirely from the poem” is an intriguing suggestion, and I’m definitely going to think about it.
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Post by equality72521 on May 27, 2020 4:31:38 GMT 1
I suppose that I prefer allegory to be presented more subtly. Take out the many "that"s
Take out the "even"
Remove the poem's title as the first line... in fact, remove the word "sea" entirely from the poem
I think you'll like it better
Well, I appreciate the comments, but respectfully I have to say I think you’re failing to deal with the points I raised. “Remove the word ‘sea’ entirely from the poem” is an intriguing suggestion, and I’m definitely going to think about it. I get where you're going. I'm just offering another route:
The word "sea" is unnecessary. The imagery tells us it's the sea. The "That's" were just boring and interrupted the flow. Also, the possessive in line 3 of the 3rd stanza... is that where you want it? I'm not asking as a pedant, but because I actually like it where it is as opposed to where the casual reader might think it should be. Anyway... just my thoughts.
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Post by AQUA SALZ! on May 27, 2020 4:34:39 GMT 1
Well, I appreciate the comments, but respectfully I have to say I think you’re failing to deal with the points I raised. “Remove the word ‘sea’ entirely from the poem” is an intriguing suggestion, and I’m definitely going to think about it. I get where you're going. I'm just offering another route: The word "sea" is unnecessary. The imagery tells us it's the sea. The "That's" were just boring and interrupted the flow. Also, the possessive in line 3 of the 3rd stanza... is that where you want it? I'm not asking as a pedant, but because I actually like it where it is as opposed to where the casual reader might think it should be. Anyway... just my thoughts. And I do appreciate your thoughts, even if we don’t see eye-to-eye on all your changes. Yes, the possessive is where it’s supposed to be. I like it there too.
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